look after you
by intoxicatedclarity
Summary: "don't say goodbye, never a goodbye." jean has to tell her before he's gone. modern day military au.


a/n: today I was sitting in class when suddenly I got hit by a tremendous amount of dear john feelings. it was utterly heartbreaking. and then next thing I know my thoughts had drifted to jeankasa, and the two ideas combined and bam I'm here. hehehe~

::i do not own snk::

* * *

There are only a handful of times that Jean Kirstein has ever cried.

Once in 3rd grade, when Eren Jaeger slammed a basketball into his face and broke his nose, and then another in middle school, when Sasha Braus had rejected him in front of the whole school.

Fast forward many years later, and Jean can feel himself giving in to his own emotions again, controlling the way he breathes and keeping his head up in order to not cry for his mother and stay strong.

To stay strong in front of her.

_Do not cry, do not cry_, he tells himself.

He is a weakling around Mikasa Ackerman and he knows it. Yet, he is standing with her right here, by the entrance of the airport, with his hands tucked in his pockets and hers held behind her back. The distance between them was large and for Jean, it's uncomfortable.

His bulky uniform splotched with colors of dark green and dark brown is like a neon light to him-noticeable from miles away and standing out in the midst of the people walking past them.

15 months. 15 months of never seeing jet black hair and worn-out scarves. 15 months of turning around to see nobody looking back at him with bright charcoal eyes. 15 months of pure pain and lots of patience just to see her again.

15 months of leaving _home_.

Jean understands that it's his duty, it's his choice. He knows that this is what he wanted (to be like his father, to be honored, to know he had made an impact on the world), and yet standing here he feels like the little boy he was in 3rd grade who just wanted to go home because his eyes were filled with tears and his nose was a bloodied mess.

Mikasa does not speak-she rarely does-instead, staring at the ground and looking at everything that wasn't him. Jean notices the way she grasps the scarf wrapped around her neck, pulling it to cover her shaky breaths and blinking her eyes rapidly to hide the subtle tears that had started to appear. Her unspoken words speak volumes to him as they stand there in silence, neither knowing what to do or say in their last moments together.

_15 months_, he thinks.

Jean shifts his eyes towards the car parked beside him, where Eren was sitting in the driver's seat patiently. Even though he disliked Jean with a deep passion, he has a sense of respect for what he's doing with his life, enough to give him one last chance with his adopted sister.

His adopted sister that Jean has been in love with since the beginning of time.

Mikasa clears her throat abruptly, just as Jean focuses back on her eyes. "So... I..." His heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice. "I guess this is goodbye for now."

He looks away briefly, whether to gather himself or to avoid her gaze, he didn't know. "It's not goodbye," he smiles, trying to brighten the mood. "It's never goodbye."

"But it's going to be a long time," She says. "More than a year."

"I know." _Hell_, does he know.

Another silence falls between them, a silence filled with words wanting to be said, words that are being held back with every stolen glance and every pressed lip.

Jean has to tell her before he goes. He just has to.

He has to tell her how she makes him feel like his heart will burst every time she looks at him. How she can smile at him and it can make his day better. How all he needs to do to feel complete is hear her voice. How she can make him laugh just by glaring at Eren for something he's done wrong. How he admires how she has the strength to look at him as he stands there in his uniform, ready to leave her (even though he's not ready, was never ready). How he loves her, _oh hell_ he loves her with every bone in his body. He has to tell her.

And yet he can't bring himself to. Not now, not when it sounds more like the goodbye he doesn't want.

He feels a tug on the sleeve of his jacket, and then her soft voice spoke. "I'm going to miss you so much."

The words fly out of her mouth without a thought, and in the next moment Jean breaks, self-control forgotten.

His arms wrap around her waist, bringing her closer, _closer_ towards him until there is no space left between them. The barriers that had begun construction around them had broken down again as she wraps her arms around his neck. Two hearts beat down on the other and all he can think about is that he never, ever wants to let go of her.

She buries her face into his shoulder, and her words are unexpected again.

"I love you."

It's whispered into the crook of his neck, her voice small but her words big enough to make him freeze. It is a statement that he had yearned to say to her, but she had beaten him to it (but he doesn't mind, of course he doesn't mind).

He raises a hand to her head, grasping the thin locks of her hair, clutching her body for the warmth he's been longing for.

"I love you, too." He says it clearly, for the first time his nervousness around her fading and his mind overcoming his fears.

Her grasp tightens, his words dawning on her, and neither of them realize just how big of a hurdle they had crossed.

He is hers, as she is his.

She pulls away hesitantly, their time running out, when he suddenly grabs her wrist and tugs her back, his lips pressing against hers without any more doubt.

Jean feels her surprise, then her eagerness, as she follows his lead and pulls him closer to her. Their kiss deepens as he wraps his arm around her waist, and leans in more, her leaning back, their mouths sealed against each other. He kisses her with all the passion in him, with all that's left because no matter how much he will deny it, his fate is on the line from here on out.

So he kisses her, and she kisses him, in their own little world as people pass by and simultaneously sneak a glance at them.

It's not until they hear a car honk-"Fuck you, Eren"-that they finally separate.

Jean reluctantly pulls back, a devious grin on his face, while Mikasa's face reddens with every passing second.

It's silent again, only this time it's not tight and uncomfortable. This time it's filled with thoughts of words that were spoken and actions that were taken in the last few minutes together. It's enough for Jean to finally feel better, to finally be okay with leaving.

He knows exactly what he's fighting for now.

A beat passes, and he realizes that it's time.

He has to leave now, for time didn't stop, not even for them.

Mikasa grabs the tip of his jacket sleeve again, pulling him back towards her. "Don't die, Jean." She orders sternly, yet it's laced with worry and softness.

He smirks at her comment, before reaching down to grasp her hand in his. "You know I won't."

She blushes at his smile, and squeezes his hand out of habit. _This is it_, he thinks.

"I'll see you soon." He says calmly. _Don't say goodbye, never a goodbye._

"I'll see you soon." She repeats. He can see tears in her eyes, but Jean knows she is strong, stronger than he could ever be. (Why else would he admire her so much?) She can hold it back, and she does exactly that.

It takes all of Jean's strength to finally gather his belongings and let go of her hand. He reluctantly begins to walk away, farther and farther away from her, before failing to stop himself and turning back around again.

Mikasa still stands there, her hands clutching her crimson scarf, a small smile dawning her face as she sees him look back.

It is a look of hope and patience that's engraved into Jean's mind for the months to come.

He takes one last glance and finally, finally turns back around, never looking back.

He has to be strong, he could not be weak again.

He has to come back to her.

He has to come back to his _home_.

* * *

i don't really know whether to continue this or not... sooo?

let me know what you think!


End file.
